Everywhere there are saint patrick day things going on. to me it's a depressing day. it's the day my daughter was born and died. she would be 25 today. i dream sometimes of what she would look like or what type of person she would be. you would think after so many years the pain would be less, but it's not. and it's not a pain you can share with anyone. there is nobody that can share your pain. nobody else carried her for 8 mnths and talked with her, read and sang to her and grew to love her even before meeting her even before you knew she was a she. then the worst of all not getting to hold her, count her toes and fingers and feel her wiggle in your arms.

sorry folks (if there is anyone that reads my crap) the past two entries have been really whiney and "oh poor me". this is not the type of person i usually am and i'll get back to normal soon.

then maybe i'll have some interesting topics to write about.

ok i'm fixing to really bitch about something personal.
you know you can take care of somebody you love with out expecting anything anything in return. and you should. but why is when your sick they completely ignore you. no do you need anything can i help? NOTHING. i'm soo pisse doff and really really hurting on top of having the flu or what ever the hell this is.
i just had to right this down somewhere before i explode and say things to people that i love, no matter how much they hurt me, that i'll regret later.
if i live through this (and right now death just doesn't sound to bad ;-) )
i'll be back on to talk to more important things.

I had a much needed minivacation last week in Memphis with my mom and sister. I wanted to REALLY try out my car but it was bad weather all the way so I decided against that. I enjoyed so much just sitting around and visiting and reading and sometimes just nothing. Everybody needs that sometimes.

Now, like the rest of the country I've been listening about the nation's port uproar. I've tried to listen and understand both pro and con. Listening has been easier than understanding for me, as usual, but in all honestly it scares the crap out of me. Now if that is racist, like I heard one opinion say, so be it. I read an article that brought out a good point in my opinion. Apparently around '62 Kruschev said that our country could and would be taken down from within. The article also went on to point out other uproars within our social structure and government at this time and darn if I can remember a one of them right now, but if you listen to the national news each day you begin to wonder if that isn't were we are headed.

I also heard another thing though that gives you hope for our country. On NPR they do a spot called "this I believe". It can be about anything. Yesterday there was one done by a young man, I would guess about 17 or 18. He spoke of what his parents and grandparents had seen and lived through, and yet, though they didn't know it at the time the bad times (war, killer flu, great depression, war and war etc...) did eventually end and things did get better. His essay was realistic and also optimistic about the future in general for himself and his country.

where I'm going with this is: during, let's say WWII, the men and women that lived throughout that time probably did not realize the significance of their generation. That they would go on to change the country in every conceivable way, yet they did. Only after several generations did it become apparent, so while things do scare the crap out of me at times there is a spot in my heart and mind that hopes, prays and on somedays believes that is what we are going through at this time.

this weekend we really got a lot of sleet and ice, but we didn't have to eat our own feet or anything. bored. bored. it did do number on my back.
oh yeah have i said i liked chickens? well i'm rethinking that position after chasing, feeding watering etc.... in twenty degree weather and a wind that'll blow the humor out of you. ;-)

it's amazing. the weather folks start
whispering about snow and everybody
goes nuts! you would expect to hear
"Donner" type stories the next day, but
all we get is some ice spitting.
this was fri the 10th

well score another one for arkansas! two counties. two police chiefs, a deputy, a mayor, a police chief's wife, two bailbondsman, and a whole slew of convicts!! then add in sex, burgarly, drugs (the making of and the taking) WOW. and to top it all off the two counties and their woes are not related. this could be a made for t.v. movie. or maybe a juicy john grisham book. i heard that it had made national news. i just wonder does any of the good stuff, i mean literally good stuff, ever make it out of this state? there are some really great people here!!! people that care for one another, their communities and their state. now they have a gag order against one of the counties various characters. so i wonder if i'll get in trouble for this? well if i do i'll be sure to let everbody know.

i've found a new chat room.i'm just not quick enough to keep up with it. LOL.
things have been kind of slow and my deep thinking just is just a shallow puddle right now.
so if anybodies reading this. good night and God Bless!

i'm reading a novel about the revolutionary war (pretty good too) and in it there are quit a few famous quotes used. one of them struck me the other day, it says "the constitution guarantees the pursuit of happiness, but each person has to find it themselves". i know i didn't get it word for word, but you get the drift. aaannnnywaay! it set me to thinking (yes i know a scary thing) our society, including me at times, has come to believe being happy is a right and it's up to the govt, community, spouses, children, pick your wish, to provide it to us. the truth is happiness has to come within ourselves. yes, present surroundings or past hauntings can make us sad even miserable, but it's up to us whether we wallow in it even revel in it.

i'm not saying it's easy. as a matter of fact it can be VERY HARD to find happiness, particularly for a person that tends to pessimism or fights depression. but it's there. you have to have your eyes open for it because sometimes it sneaks up on you. sometimes it's disguised in the things and people around us everyday. and for those that there just doesn't seem to be any happiness there is contentment to find. at times that can be just as good if not better.

thank you and god bless

off to maybe someplace like this

can someone please tell me who decided marraige, kids, life etc.. has to be so frickin difficult. i would really like to beat the crap out of them. yesterday heading out on I-530 i dreamed just driving and not stopping. up north somewhere then take a left to somewhere else. but duty calls EVERY SINGLE TIME! i know this will pass but dang!